Staring Contest


Sunday night I broke down and got into the bag of stuff from the police department after my Chad died. I pulled out the CD player and the CD he was listening to when he died. I popped the CD in the boombox and listened to it with Kiwi and Nahlah. I was expecting something dark and depressing. It was a John Williams compilation. Music from Hook and Et. Uplifting. Peaceful. I wonder how much of it he heard. I hope it calmed him and gave him peace as his body went to rest. My poor Chad. Thinking of him struggling and slipping away. So brave. So crazy, senseless and stupid. I loved him so. My heart aches everyday. What could I have done? What should I have done. Maybe if I would have done this or didn't do that. This pain never goes away. I am so sad. So lonely. So broken and lost. I feel so bad. I miss what I had and can never get it back. I wish I knew if the afterlife was really a thing. I wish I knew he was in a better place. I wish I knew there was a better place to go when we die. I am so scared of death. Dead is not better.
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed
Staring Contest

Epic Fail

I am just feeling totally and completely and utterly hopeless. I am beyond broke. My work schedule is murder. My boss just doesn't get it. It's just fucked. My coping skills are gone. It all feels like its snowballing out of control and there is nothing I can do. I can't get out of the way. I can't make it stop. I just want it all to be over.
I like what???

It's funny...

It's funny what you miss about a person once they are gone. It's the little things...the stuff that used to drive you crazy. I miss how when Chad and I used to watch a Movie or a TV show for the first time he was always like "Who is that?" "Where are they going?" "Is he dead?" "What is going to happen next?" I knew...I was always seeing it for the first time too and he would ask these questions. I would go bonkers when he did that. He would get so excited and into it. We would laugh about it later. I miss my Chad.
Staring Contest


Can't come to terms with your destruction
You've driven me to drink
I toss and turn...I'm restless
all I do is think

Longing for what it should have been
tortured by the past
aching for sensation
hiding behind a mask

Traveled too far to turn back now
Destination coming up ahead
Will I keep on moving forward
or stop before I'm dead

Broken from the memories
Shattered by the lies
my universe lays in pieces
angels hear my cries
Staring Contest

Just another dream

Sometimes when I lay in bed at night sleeping I still here him rustling around trying to get ready and leave for work. He used to be so quiet, but every once in a while I would hear him. I try to wake up and give him a hug goodbye. I want him in my arms so badly. He is never there when I open my eyes. It is always just another dream.
I like what???

And now for my next trick...

Normally I don't feel the need to journal everything. Normally. But when you have an epic night like last night, you have to jot it down while the memories are fresh so you don't forget.

Feeling exceptionally clever I thought I would send a message to a boy on 'Plenty Of Fish' yesterday. I have been talking to this certain boy off & on for a while, so I thought I would say hi. We sent messages back and forth all day while I was at work. He asked if I wanted him to come over after I got off work, I thought to myself "Self, that sounds like a bad idea waiting to happen." It was.

His call came shortly after 6pm. He was close by and I gave him directions to find my place. A few minutes later he knocked at my door. My heart got all racy because I was nervous. I answered it. He was cuter than his pictures. Average height, nice build, tan skin, long dark hair. I told him to make himself at home. He kicked his shoes off and started fiddling with the remote to the TV. I offered him a drink. "Help yourself!" I said. He mixed him a strong drink. He then pulled out a little green pot pipe and started smoking up. He smoked and smoked and drank and drank. I managed to get a drink in. I smoked a little. I was feeling no pain, but not messed up by a long shot.

My company kept trying to let my parrot out of his cage. I make a rule of never letting Kiwi out when I have really drunk company or if I am too fucked up myself. My new friend kept messing with the bird so I covered him up. He kept saying weird crazy shit, half under his breath so that I couldn't hear. He was playing Marilyn Manson videos on Youtube. He was flipping through channels on the TV. He was drinking. He was smoking more and more dope. Not knowing his tolerance I was starting to get nervous. He was acting kind of scary. Next thing I know dude is in the bathroom. He is throwing up. Retching...over and over. "Are you alright?" I ask. Yeah. He does this 3 more times. "Can I get into your mouthwash?" He inquires from the bathroom. "Help yourself!" I reply.

He comes out of the bathroom and proceeds to plop down on my bed. "I got some puke on my sleeve. " He takes his shirt off. Nice. He has a tattoo. Decent rack. I am not turned on in the slightest. The guy is drunk. "I have never been with a guy before" "Oh" is all I can say before the pants come off. I try to look away and act aloof. There is a somewhat cute nicely built horribly fucked up boy in my bed. Sigh. I know what I want to do, and I know what I should do. "It's getting late and I am pretty fucked up. Can I spend the night?" he asks. Not knowing exactly what to say, I mumble "sure."

Next thing I know he is on his side. "Do you have a puke bucket or something?" "Sure" I get him a big plastic mixing bowl to hurl in. "Can you give me a back rub?" Sure. I rub his back. His skin is soft. This is wrong. You know where backrubs lead. He was moving himself closer to me. Is he awake. I keep asking him if he is okay. "Are you alright?" "Yeah". His flesh feels so good under my hand. Warm. Soft. My hand glides all over his smooth skin. I want to do what he wants to do. I know its wrong but I don't care.

"Don't stop!" This is leading somewhere bad. I am more sober than him. I smoke some more pot. This still feels wrong. I rub some more. I can't tell if he is awake or not unless I stop touching him...then he squirms til I start again. His feet and legs try to make contact with me. He has his head hanging over the side of the bed. "I wrestled in high school, I struggled with Bulimia for years" he says. Oh god, I am so not into this. What is wrong with me. Cute naked boy. He wants it. He seems to be barely conscious...drifting in and out. I am starting to feel like a creeper. I give him one last rub down his back all the way down his leg to his toes. I slowly move from the bed to the sofa, grabbing a pillow on my way.

He is disappointed that I stopped. Offended. Don't I like him? Come back. He needs the practice. I just want to sleep. I curl up on the couch. He throws up again, this time into the bowl. He wraps his naked body up with a blanket and rolls with his back to me. He mutters things I can't quite understand...because his face is hanging over the side of the bed aiming at the puke bucket. I keep forgetting your name. "Karen?" It's a girls name, right? I sigh.

I sit awake all night. I am terrorized. Kiwi is terrorized. How do I get this guy to go? My neighbors downstairs are killing each other again. Oh God, the female one stomps up the stairs and knocks on my door. "Let me in, I need to use your phone." "Fuck No!" I ignore the knocking. He is still passed out. After an eternity, morning comes. After much dope smoking he finally dresses and I convince him to take off. He has to mess with the TV and play loud music videos first. Oh god, he turned on 'Aqua Teen Hunger Force' "I have to get to work." I feel bad, like I lead him on. I didn't. I don't think he understands. He leaves kind of standoffish. No hug goodbye. No look back. Still very awkward. He has quite a journey ahead of him. I hope he doesn't double back when I leave for work. I didn't have anything to offer him. No breakfast. I just needed him gone. I am not happy when I act this way.
M by Madonna Glasses

If Only In Dreams

In my dreams we are together still
I pray I fall asleep fast so that once again
I can be with you and hold you in my arms
Don't hide from me, I have to wake up soon
Our time is short love, it's all we have
Your smile gets me through
Is it real or is it just a dream?
Is my mind playing tricks on my heart or
are you here? I want to believe it's you
I need to believe it's you
I need so much for you to still love me
As the haze starts to clear I can feel
you falling away from me
Slowly at first you start to fade and
then you are gone and I am left awake
rushing through another day until I can
find my way back to you...if only in my dreams
Staring Contest


Why am I so pathetic? I feel too destroyed to build myself back up to be anything worthwhile. My nerves are shot. My life is shit. I hate who I am and what I have become. I don't have any real hope or joy anymore. I just feel like I am lingering...not living. I don't see the point in anything. Why do I continue to do the things I do? I can't take the fucking nightmares anymore. I can't sleep and when I do all I see is violence and death and destruction to everyone and everything I have ever loved. I am constantly surrounded by death. It looms over me like a huge gray cloud. I just want to feel something good again. No one could love me like I am, when I can't even love myself. I used to take solace in the bottle. It made me feel good. Happy. Giggly. Now it just leaves my mouth dry and my soul broken. It makes it worse. Just when I think there can't be a 'worse'...I get proven wrong. Here I am once again drowning in my own self pity. A futile exercise. No one can fix me or make me happy but me. But why bother

(no subject)

I can’t remember
When I was young
I can't explain
If it was wrong
My life goes on
But not the same
Into your eyes
My face remains

I’ve been so high
I’ve been so down
Up to the skies
Down to the ground

I was so blind I could not see
Your paradise is not for me
Staring Contest

Miss you

Miss you most of all
When all those autumn leaves start to fall
Drifting by my window
They come up over the wall

Why does a good thing have to do end
Can't see it happen where and when
Cycle of change can be so cruel
I've got no one to blame I'm just a fool, you know

Hold on they keep on telling me
Something's good is gonna come
Bread and gold has put its spell on me
And old man winter's gonna come
You know he keeps on blocking off the sun

Miss you most of all
When they burn those bonfires tall
Smoke and ashes fill the air and the
Harvesters are everywhere
No time to waste, let's drink the wine
Don't let the fruit rot on the vine
When the sun is big and fiery it goes, you know
That is the time I miss you the most, they say

Hold on they keep on telling me
Something's good is gonna come
Bread and gold has put its spell on me
And old man winter's gonna come
You know he keeps on blocking off the sun

Cold wind is howling and there's
Darkness creeps in our bones
Seasons change, why didn't we
Come on bring that summer back to me

Hold on they keep on telling me
Something's good is gonna come
Bread and gold has put its spell on me
And old man winter's gonna come
You know he keeps on blocking off the sun

Tell me why does he always have to come?