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What if this is as good as it gets? [Jul. 12th, 2010|12:11 pm]
Really? What if the best part of my life has already passed. Is this all there is? I am unhappy almost all the time. I never have anything positive to say about anything. I don't like hardly anyone. I don't like doing things. I don't like not doing things. I am set in my ways. I am a negative unpleasant person. I hate my body. I hate my job. I hate where I live. I hate being alone. I hate being around people. I hate drama. I make drama. It's all so confusing and painful and I don't know what I should do. So I will do nothing, like I always do. Nothing will change. Life will go on. Everything repeats.
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Hurt [Jul. 11th, 2010|09:57 pm]
Today I hurt. Tomorrow I will still hurt.
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Collateral Damage [Jun. 25th, 2010|10:17 am]
I will never forget the image of my poor cold dead lover laying on a stainless steel slab at the funeral home. His lifeless form draped in the outfit I bought him just hours before. A pink Care Bear tucked in at his side. Laughable yet destructive. A toy never to know the joy for which it was created. Never to be played with by its owner. Only there for show. A final gift to someone who would have so enjoyed it in life. Laying there, motionless, void of any signs of life. His face so familiar yet so foreign to me. His hand in mine, his calloused fingers not squeezing back. His lips would never part to say the words I so desperately needed to hear. The "why" and the "what for" a mystery that torments me constantly. His final act spoke volumes. "I would rather be dead than spend any more time with you."

I have tried and tried to put this all behind me. It's hard to move on when you have this voice in your head that keeps telling you it's your fault. If only I could have done this. If only I would have done that. Maybe I could have stopped this. Maybe I should have been like this. I blame myself. I was the one who saw him everyday. I loved him. I cared for him. We took care of each other. I should have noticed. I was so caught up being content with the life I had created for myself that I didn't bother to take the time to notice it was falling apart.

I miss my Chad so much. Every day. I just think about him and my soul hurts. I miss my poor babies. I still can't believe he murdered them. It doesn't compute in my head. I am broken. I am not sure I can fix myself. I am not sure I want to fix myself. I can see myself travelling down a road to a bad place and I don't know if I want to put my foot on the brake.

I just don't feel it anymore. Nothing tastes good. Nothing feels good. It would be a huge relief if it was all just over with already. I am not saying I am suicidal. Far from it. I will never die by my own hand...not on purpose anyway. I am just saying I am tired. Tired of dealing with shit. Tired of trying to be strong and failing miserably. I am tired of missing my family. My poor dead family. All of them. My Mom and Dad. My Grandparents. Aunts. Uncles. Cousins. My Chad and my poor little babies. All fucking dead. Here I am... as usual... left behind to pick up the pieces and try to make something with the shards. How many times can a person do this? Is there a point when enough is enough and a person just can't take anymore? I am not bouncing back from this. I can feel it.

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What Dreams May Come [Mar. 12th, 2010|08:46 pm]
Today was my day off. Mid-day I was tired and wanted a nap. I locked up Kiwi in his house...turned his cartoons on and climbed into bed. Soon I was fast asleep. In my dreams Chad came to me. "Is it REALLY you?" I asked. He just grinned at me. The sunlight was all around him. He was napping with me. "Yeah, it's me..." he said smiling. "Are you real Real?" I asked him and he said "Kinda". "Can I hold you?" I asked "Sure" he said and he put my arm around him. He felt like himself to me. So good to be next to him and with him again. So much love in my heart when I saw him. I laid there close to him. We were kind of just smiling at each other. I started to wake up. "Don't open your eyes yet, or I will disappear" He said. I laid there for a while. Holding him close to me. Loving him. Not angry. Not missing him. Just resting peacefully. Not wanting to wake up. But I did. And when I did, he was gone.
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Surface [Dec. 6th, 2009|11:23 am]
Chad. You were my everything and your loss consumes me. It penetrates my thoughts constantly. Touches everything I do. I am haunted by the things we never said to each other. Words never spoken, now just lost. No chance to make up for time that we will never have. You are just gone. Did you think of me in your final moments. Did you know what your choices would do to me. Leave me broken. Useless to myself. Shattered. How and why seem like such stupid words now. The answers I will never have, to questions I can never ask. You said you loved me, but then you said so many things. Hurting. Nothing I can do stops the pain. I can't drink it away. Stuff it down with food. I can't talk it out or work through it. Control it or fight it. I can't fuck it away. I can't cry it away. I could fill a bathtub with all the tears I have shed over you and then drown in it.

You come to me in my dreams. Sneaking in. Nightmares when I am awake and asleep. I just want you back. Please let me wake up and make everything be okay. I want it to be okay. Please please baby please make everything okay. If I close my eyes when I am holding someone else, I can pretend it's you. But it's not you. It can't be you, wont be you. Not now or ever. "They" say in time it will get easier. "They" also say absence makes the heart go stronger. How am I supposed to live without you? Why would you want me to have to live like this? What did I do to you that was so bad you would leave me like this? "They" say 'It isn't about you' or 'He was crazy'. I loved you. I gave you my heart. I held you. I cherished you. You fucking left me you bastard. You piece of shit you killed our babies. You fucked up my life. I can barely work. I can barely get dressed in the morning. I can't get over it. I try and I try and I always end up back here in the same place. You spineless coward. You took the easy way out and now look at the mess you left behind. I wish I could forget. Make it go away. Block it out. Burn it from my mind. Start over. That only happens in the movies or on TV. I don't think anyone ever really gets over anything. It's always there just beneath the surface.
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Going Through The Motions... [Oct. 15th, 2009|03:58 am]
Lately it feels as if I am just "going through the motions". Not really living, just kind of existing in this plain of existence that is neither here nor there. I don't feel like I am really me anymore. I feel like a huge part of what I knew of myself or "me" died along with Chad and the birds. He didn't just kill himself and our babies...he killed this huge part of me. The part of me that felt secure and content. The part of me that felt loved and able to love. I hurt so much inside. So much of my life has just been pain. Grief and loss. Pain and suffering. How much can one person seriously take and bounce back?

I don't think I am going to bounce back this time. It just doesn't feel like an option anymore. I feel like a shell, hollow inside. Empty. Just wandering around. I cry all the time. I panic when I come home from work because I am scared of what I might find. You come home from work and find your entire family dead...that is not something you can just get over. I have a panic attack whenever I come home. How am I ever supposed to trust anyone again? No one will ever love me again. Maybe Chad didn't love me, if he did then how could he do what he did? Would I be able to trust someone if they said they loved me? Who would want me? I am fat and messed up. Worse now than ever. I hate myself for being like this. I hate myself for not being able to make anything right anymore.

I can't help but feeling somehow this is all my fault, like I brought it on myself. Maybe if I would have been nicer to Chad. Maybe if I would have made him get help for his depression. Maybe if I wouldn't have gone to work that night. Maybe if I wasn't such a drunk. Maybe if I wasn't always working. Maybe if I wasn't so selfish and caught up in my own drama I could have saved Chad and the birds. Oh my poor babies. The worst part of this is them. How could that bastard do this? Our babies? How? Oh my God. How. I loved them so much. How could he take them too and leave me all alone? How could he say he loved me with one breath and then hurt me so badly with the other. I love him still. I wish I could hold him one more time. Hold my babies. I want my old life back and I know I can never have it. I want my nice home back, and my little angels. I don't want it to be over. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be THIS person. Broken. Unlovable.

Why be sober? Why do any of this? Why? I am full of nothing. No matter how much food and booze and filth I cram inside myself I am still running on empty. There is nothing there. Layer upon layer of year after year of self abuse, lies, shame and sadness wrapped up with a bow of weakness. In my life I have been emotionally and physically abused. I have been sexually abused and raped by people I trusted and cared for...that I thought cared about me. I have been orphaned and lost my life partner. I had my parents and grandparents die before I turned 18 years of age. I have been homeless. I have been physically and psychologically ill. I have been accused of being a prostitute and lost a job I enjoyed because of it. I have struggled with addictions to food and tobacco and alcohol. I have lost many people I cared about due to situations out of my control. I have been in and out of abusive and sick relationships. My reality consists of a job I am in constant fear of losing that I have worked at for 11 years now, a few friends who for some reason still talk to me. A sister who lies to me and manipulates me constantly for her entertainment... a brother I can barely stand...who drives me crazy...and that is about it.
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Little Voices [Aug. 27th, 2009|09:50 am]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

Where are you tonight
My little Loves
Are you chasing falling stars
Or flying free like doves

Are you laughing high in branches
Are you playing in the trees
Are you singing for the angels
Do you ever think of me

I miss your little voices
I miss your tender souls
It's so hard to live without you
Your absence left a hole

Someday I hope to hold you
To play with you again
To cover you with kisses
And see your feathers in the wind

Thank you for the love you gave
You made my life complete
I wanted you all so badly
I love your little beaks
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Time Goes By So Slowly... [Jul. 25th, 2009|08:16 am]
[Current Location |Work i/e hell]
[Current Mood |awakeawake]
[Current Music |The Soft Rock KAFE]

Well here I am. It's been 4 months since Chad died (as of Thursday). It feels like it's been 4 years. I look and feel about 4 years older, that's for sure. Eeek. I got the birds ashes back from the crematorium a couple weeks ago. They are still in the little box they came in, sitting on top of my fridge. I'm not sure what to do with them. It's good to have them back. I ache and miss them so. I have been drinking too much, and smoking too much and crying too much.

Last night Matt, my pal Jessica's husband gave me a ride home from work. We were having a couple of drinks and went outside to have a smoke. One of the neighbors from the complex behind me came up to the fence and was "Hey could you please stop sitting on your deck crying and singing til 3am? We can't sleep. We don't want to have to call the police..." I was in absolute horror. Great, now the shame sets in. I am so embarrassed. I just want to curl up into a little ball and fucking disappear...but I won't. Fuck it. You have to have self esteem to feel shame and I don't buy into that mess. I am what I am. Love me or leave me. Kiwi is my baby. I love him so much. He is my precious little guy. He gives me a reason to go to work and come home and to keep on going.

I have placed personal ads up all over the place looking to find someone. It's not as easy as it to be. In the good old days I'd get loads of responses. Now, nadda. Is it because I'm older now? Is it because I am fatter. Is it because I am so fucking pretty that they don't know what to do with me? The only bites I get are from old men. Old old. Like late 60's or asian boys. No offense but, neither one really does much for me. Maybe I am meant to be alone. I don't like it...but maybe I should face facts. I had a love. I lost it. Maybe that's all there is for me. Who knows. For now, Kiwi is enough. He makes me happy. He is so smart and cuddly. I am just trying to hold my shit together. My bills are late. I am constantly hungover. My body aches. But I am still here dammit! Top that you bitches.

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Babies [Jun. 10th, 2009|02:34 am]
The call came Monday afternoon. I am now free to pick up the things taken from our home by the police during the investigation into Chad's suicide. I can finally lay my beautiful babies to rest. I've been kind of dreading this moment. It was all fine and good when I didn't have to deal with the very real emotions I have been feeling. Now I have tough choices to make. Do I bury them? Do I have them cremated? What do I do???

The reason it has taken so long, is because I have had to wait for Chad's parents to send a notarized letter authorizing me to have the items removed from my house. Apparently I have no legal right to these things, and they are property of Chad's 'next of kin'...because it was 'his investigation'. I have no rights. You spend what 8-9 years loving someone, caring for them, living with them...supporting them...making a life together and in the end...nothing. No right to him. No right to the stuff that was ours. I asked the evidence lady, I said "If the situation were different, and Chad & I had been a male/female couple, would I have had to go through all this...wait like this?" Common law marriage in the state of Washington takes place after 7 years for heterosexual couples. I was told that they had "specific legal guidelines they had to follow in situations like this". So in other words, we are not recognized as a couple. Also, it looks like I will never get to lay eyes on the suicide note. It "wasn't addressed to me" and they sent the original to his family by mistake. That's right. The original. How do I ask his parents to look at that? Wasn't that like fucking evidence for a file somewhere or some shit? The detective summarized it for me briefly on the phone when he called a while back to say that Chad's case was closed. I still for some reason want to see it. It's the last communication that I will have in this world from my partner. It may not hold answers, but shouldn't I at least have been given the fucking option?

I am not sure how I will go about collecting the birds. I ache at the thought of it. I don't know how I will get through it. I cannot look at them. Not like that. I don't know how not to look. I don't want to remember my darlings like that. Not like I found them. Not like they are now. Jesus, how did this happen? How could Chad fucking murder our babies? He loved them. Did he do it because he was crazy? Did he do it to spite me for something? Did he do it because he thought I wouldn't survive him killing himself and "they deserve better" than to go back to the bird rescue. My God. I would have taken care of them, like I always did. I would have loved them and cherished them. How could he take them away from me? Why did he want to leave me all alone so bad. I wasn't horrible to Chad. We bantered back and forth. We sniped at each other. We joked around. We took care of each other. I really felt we loved each other. I thought we were a family. I was so happy to have a family. I don't understand any of this. I just hurt. It doesn't go away. I can't stop crying. It's like, I gave away my youth. I invested years into a relationship. I trusted it. I felt safe. Now, I feel old and alone and tired.

Tuesday 6/16, I will go to the police station and retrieve my poor dead children. Fuck anyone who says they are not my children. They are the closest thing I will ever have to babies. I loved them. I worked with them. I supported them, cared for them. Trained them. And I cherished them. They each had different talents and abilities. Special skills. Distinct developed personalities. They gave me joy, unconditional love and an inner peace than has since left me. Anyone who knows me, I mean really knows me...knows how much they mean to me. Now they are dead and gone, like so much else in my life...death consumes it.
Their lives were stolen from them by someone they loved and trusted. I worry about the pain and fear they felt. I pray that if there is a God and there is a Heaven, that The Lord grants them peace and joy like nothing they have known. That they can forgive Chad. That they can forgive me for not being there to stop his descent into madness that day. I pray that when my time is done on this earth, that I can be with them again forever. In all the uncertainty that has been part of my life, the one thing I never wavered in was my love for my beautiful babies.
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Looking Through The Glass Darkly [May. 31st, 2009|09:51 am]
Caught up in the middle
But I’m taken to the end
It’s coming back together
Then it’s breaking down again
If I can find a reason
I’d say you were my friend
If I can find a reason
I’d say it once again

When I was with you
The days were bittersweet
I can still remember
What it feels to be complete
I’ve tried pretending
But it drives me off my feet
I don’t know what it’s coming to
But I’m looking through the glass darkly

Bright lights come and go
Playing sad songs on my radio
Shadows still appear in the house tonight
Ghosts have come in from the past
All those ghosts that keep on coming back
Sliding through the walls and my windows

When I’m with you
The nights are cold and long
Still can’t remember
What it feels like to be strong
I’ve tried to blend in
But it seems I don’t belong
I don’t know what it’s coming to
But I’m looking through the glass darkly

Can I find you
Can't I find you
I can’t find you
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