||[Jun. 10th, 2009|02:34 am]
The call came Monday afternoon. I am now free to pick up the things taken from our home by the police during the investigation into Chad's suicide. I can finally lay my beautiful babies to rest. I've been kind of dreading this moment. It was all fine and good when I didn't have to deal with the very real emotions I have been feeling. Now I have tough choices to make. Do I bury them? Do I have them cremated? What do I do???|
The reason it has taken so long, is because I have had to wait for Chad's parents to send a notarized letter authorizing me to have the items removed from my house. Apparently I have no legal right to these things, and they are property of Chad's 'next of kin'...because it was 'his investigation'. I have no rights. You spend what 8-9 years loving someone, caring for them, living with them...supporting them...making a life together and in the end...nothing. No right to him. No right to the stuff that was ours. I asked the evidence lady, I said "If the situation were different, and Chad & I had been a male/female couple, would I have had to go through all this...wait like this?" Common law marriage in the state of Washington takes place after 7 years for heterosexual couples. I was told that they had "specific legal guidelines they had to follow in situations like this". So in other words, we are not recognized as a couple. Also, it looks like I will never get to lay eyes on the suicide note. It "wasn't addressed to me" and they sent the original to his family by mistake. That's right. The original. How do I ask his parents to look at that? Wasn't that like fucking evidence for a file somewhere or some shit? The detective summarized it for me briefly on the phone when he called a while back to say that Chad's case was closed. I still for some reason want to see it. It's the last communication that I will have in this world from my partner. It may not hold answers, but shouldn't I at least have been given the fucking option?
I am not sure how I will go about collecting the birds. I ache at the thought of it. I don't know how I will get through it. I cannot look at them. Not like that. I don't know how not to look. I don't want to remember my darlings like that. Not like I found them. Not like they are now. Jesus, how did this happen? How could Chad fucking murder our babies? He loved them. Did he do it because he was crazy? Did he do it to spite me for something? Did he do it because he thought I wouldn't survive him killing himself and "they deserve better" than to go back to the bird rescue. My God. I would have taken care of them, like I always did. I would have loved them and cherished them. How could he take them away from me? Why did he want to leave me all alone so bad. I wasn't horrible to Chad. We bantered back and forth. We sniped at each other. We joked around. We took care of each other. I really felt we loved each other. I thought we were a family. I was so happy to have a family. I don't understand any of this. I just hurt. It doesn't go away. I can't stop crying. It's like, I gave away my youth. I invested years into a relationship. I trusted it. I felt safe. Now, I feel old and alone and tired.
Tuesday 6/16, I will go to the police station and retrieve my poor dead children. Fuck anyone who says they are not my children. They are the closest thing I will ever have to babies. I loved them. I worked with them. I supported them, cared for them. Trained them. And I cherished them. They each had different talents and abilities. Special skills. Distinct developed personalities. They gave me joy, unconditional love and an inner peace than has since left me. Anyone who knows me, I mean really knows me...knows how much they mean to me. Now they are dead and gone, like so much else in my life...death consumes it.
Their lives were stolen from them by someone they loved and trusted. I worry about the pain and fear they felt. I pray that if there is a God and there is a Heaven, that The Lord grants them peace and joy like nothing they have known. That they can forgive Chad. That they can forgive me for not being there to stop his descent into madness that day. I pray that when my time is done on this earth, that I can be with them again forever. In all the uncertainty that has been part of my life, the one thing I never wavered in was my love for my beautiful babies.