||[Nov. 5th, 2015|01:06 pm]
Sunday night I broke down and got into the bag of stuff from the police department after my Chad died. I pulled out the CD player and the CD he was listening to when he died. I popped the CD in the boombox and listened to it with Kiwi and Nahlah. I was expecting something dark and depressing. It was a John Williams compilation. Music from Hook and Et. Uplifting. Peaceful. I wonder how much of it he heard. I hope it calmed him and gave him peace as his body went to rest. My poor Chad. Thinking of him struggling and slipping away. So brave. So crazy, senseless and stupid. I loved him so. My heart aches everyday. What could I have done? What should I have done. Maybe if I would have done this or didn't do that. This pain never goes away. I am so sad. So lonely. So broken and lost. I feel so bad. I miss what I had and can never get it back. I wish I knew if the afterlife was really a thing. I wish I knew he was in a better place. I wish I knew there was a better place to go when we die. I am so scared of death. Dead is not better.